I have felt its absence. This is evident in my previous blog posts.
Focusing on improving myself - am I not already as I should be?
I am even pretentious in my approach to this blog, seeking to improve others, to write intelligent, relevant articles. Others do not need my help - they are as they have been made, in the current moment.
I do not seek to improve. I do not strive for excellence - thus, I am excellent.
God, the Tao has been absent from my life for so long. How has it taken me so long to realize this?
Perhaps it was the absence of music. I used to pursue music. What happened to that?
I stopped listening, even caring for listening. I made pitiful stabs at melodies.
Perhaps I don't do justice to my recent attempts... What I do feel negative about, is the attitude with which my latest attempts have been made. It has been forced a lot of times, motivated by desire for music mastery, rather than resulting from my inner self expressing thoughts and feelings in one of the few languages it can speak: song.
Music flows, when it is made from the anima.
Jung described an anima and animus creating the inner core of a person's true self, whereas his persona represents the outer (conscious) aspects. I feel that there is some truth to this model; at times in my life, I have felt motivated by forces beyond what I am consciously aware of. I could call these unconscious motivations a sort of psyche...
Lately I feel that my persona has been obscuring these motivations. My financial desires - these are inventions of my persona, not my anima. And when the external desires are in focus, my view of the primal self is obscured.
I could probably equate this primal self with the silent observer. How false this blog's name is! The last several posts have not been the voice of the observer at all - they have been the rantings of my outer self, which, of course, is not worth listening to.
My goal: listen.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Making Money and Triumphant Loneliness
I had a feeling that I could not express. I felt it creep up as I walked down to the lake near my house. It is a spot that I avoid, especially at night. I have bad memories of my visits there. I had only visited it when I was brooding, and the lake is the perfect place to brood.
Is it desperation? Or loneliness? Neither pinpoints it exactly. There is a feeling that grips me, as I stand on the gravel drive that descends towards the shore, steep enough that it seems to drive right into the water.
The wind is overpowering. It gusts across the whole expanse, funneled into this little gravel drive by the surrounding low, dense thicket. I get the feeling like I am standing in front of an ocean-sized aquarium, and a wall has just broken, and the weight of all the water is smashing against me.
I cant see anyone else, and though there are houses that overlook the lake, I get the feeling that there is no one else in the world, just me and the ripples in the lake that never end.
Tonight I went there, because I was walking around the neighborhood, and passed so close to the lake I could almost see it, but then was seized with dull dread. As if it could ruin my mood for the night, just standing on its edge.
I went almost on a dare with myself. I felt that I was in control of my mind, there was no need to avoid a certain environment, just because I was afraid of its influence on me.
But I felt it, when I stood there, that feeling. And now, I can't even remember my emotional state before.
Tonight I saw one pair of headlights in the distance, and I felt briefly ashamed of my romanticism. Whoever that other person was, where they also coming to the lake and brooding, staring across its waters from the other side? Or were they teenagers, escaping to an isolated place to explore each other's bodies, completely oblivious to the lake?
Was I just inventing this feeling?
I didn't feel that it came from me. I felt like it was a feeling that originated outside myself, from the environment itself.
I was wrong, I am not in control. I was wrong to even try to control. The environment can change my mindset; it can wholly determine it. Whatever the reason - maybe some cue set by evolution - that lake, with that wind, and those ripples, and the sense of sheer vastness, makes me feel...
It isn't necessarily bad. That was why I succumbed to it, and stood there for some time. I even indulged in it. It felt like the thing to do in that moment: take it in, even enjoy it. I need not rush to bliss and happiness all the time - there is pleasure in nostalgic pain, triumph in loneliness.
Yes; that's the perfect phrase; I've found it: triumphant loneliness. A celebration of supreme isolation. With the lake spread out beneath me, and the dense thicket both to the side and below, I feel that I have just conquered a world that is abandoned. An empty victory, but a victory nonetheless.
****
Perhaps this speaks more about me than I've let on. I have recently been turning my attention towards financial goals.
Pursuing financial goals is necessarily a solitary task. It may be done in the presence of others, even involving others, but it accomplishes only one individual's goals - yours.
Even if your job requires you to talk to many people in a day, can those interactions really be compared to true social interaction? How many genuine moments of human empathy does one actually experience in a typical workday, or a week, or even in a year?
The rest of the moments - you might as well be talking to robots, that simply resemble human beings.
Is it desperation? Or loneliness? Neither pinpoints it exactly. There is a feeling that grips me, as I stand on the gravel drive that descends towards the shore, steep enough that it seems to drive right into the water.
The wind is overpowering. It gusts across the whole expanse, funneled into this little gravel drive by the surrounding low, dense thicket. I get the feeling like I am standing in front of an ocean-sized aquarium, and a wall has just broken, and the weight of all the water is smashing against me.
I cant see anyone else, and though there are houses that overlook the lake, I get the feeling that there is no one else in the world, just me and the ripples in the lake that never end.
Tonight I went there, because I was walking around the neighborhood, and passed so close to the lake I could almost see it, but then was seized with dull dread. As if it could ruin my mood for the night, just standing on its edge.
I went almost on a dare with myself. I felt that I was in control of my mind, there was no need to avoid a certain environment, just because I was afraid of its influence on me.
But I felt it, when I stood there, that feeling. And now, I can't even remember my emotional state before.
Tonight I saw one pair of headlights in the distance, and I felt briefly ashamed of my romanticism. Whoever that other person was, where they also coming to the lake and brooding, staring across its waters from the other side? Or were they teenagers, escaping to an isolated place to explore each other's bodies, completely oblivious to the lake?
Was I just inventing this feeling?
I didn't feel that it came from me. I felt like it was a feeling that originated outside myself, from the environment itself.
I was wrong, I am not in control. I was wrong to even try to control. The environment can change my mindset; it can wholly determine it. Whatever the reason - maybe some cue set by evolution - that lake, with that wind, and those ripples, and the sense of sheer vastness, makes me feel...
It isn't necessarily bad. That was why I succumbed to it, and stood there for some time. I even indulged in it. It felt like the thing to do in that moment: take it in, even enjoy it. I need not rush to bliss and happiness all the time - there is pleasure in nostalgic pain, triumph in loneliness.
Yes; that's the perfect phrase; I've found it: triumphant loneliness. A celebration of supreme isolation. With the lake spread out beneath me, and the dense thicket both to the side and below, I feel that I have just conquered a world that is abandoned. An empty victory, but a victory nonetheless.
****
Perhaps this speaks more about me than I've let on. I have recently been turning my attention towards financial goals.
Pursuing financial goals is necessarily a solitary task. It may be done in the presence of others, even involving others, but it accomplishes only one individual's goals - yours.
Even if your job requires you to talk to many people in a day, can those interactions really be compared to true social interaction? How many genuine moments of human empathy does one actually experience in a typical workday, or a week, or even in a year?
The rest of the moments - you might as well be talking to robots, that simply resemble human beings.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Pulling Together: Ray Dalio and Kim Ung-Yong, world's smartest man
Why does progress matter? Is progress for society worth pursuing, if it comes at the expense of happiness?
Kim Ung Yong attended university classes at 5, simply because he could, and went to work for NASA very early in his life. As potentially the smartest in the world, he held a unique position in society, as someone who could (literally) rocket humanity into a new stage of existence. Humanity does occasionally need people like that, who have the ability to create things that will solve humanity's pressing problems, like scarcity of resources.
However, does humanity have a right to demand such things from those who possess the ability? This was a central debate in Ender's Game. Ender, the (2nd) smartest in the world in that book, is sent to battle school, and essentially used up. He constantly feels lonely, alienated, miserable, and by the end of his time in school, all he longs for a simple life. He cannot even imagine the luxuries that other people take for granted: simple living, getting to choose what you want to do.
When I read this article about Kim Ung Yong, I was reminded of Ender's (fictional) experience. All Kim wanted was to live, with people his own age. From the time he was born, he had never experienced the luxury of having friends.
What does this have to do with Ray Dalio? Well, in a nutshell, Ray Dalio argues that doing what is in one's personal interest is usually in the best interest of society. But here is a clear counter-example.
It would probably be in society's best interest to use Kim. If Kim has the ability to come up with systems that could colonize Mars within the next few decades, or to mine near planets for resources to support Earth's rapidly exploding population, that would bring huge benefits for society. But what is in Kim's best interest? He clearly values his own personal happiness more than the advancement of society.
Is that a morally wrong choice on his part? I feel the gut answer that most people would give would be "no". Yet, his decision could have vast implications for society, by not utilizing his resources.
So doing what was in his best interest , perhaps, did not result in society's best interest.
But by Dalio's measure, success is defined as "nothing more than getting what you want -- and that is up to you to decide what that is for you." By that measure, Kim did end up quite successful.
What about me? I have concerned myself so far with the question of, "how can I do the most good for society?" However, if I go down that path, it is likely that, at some point, my own interests - namely, happiness - will be at odds with society's. Perhaps I am even working against myself right now. How can I choose?
I have learned to distrust extremes. Extreme dedication to self-satisfaction and extreme selflessness both seem like unfulfilling paths.
Let me examine this from a different angle - timeframes. Happiness seems to deal with present-mindedness, and dedication to society seems to be concerned more with the future. I have always felt that a concentration on the future, with regular doses of present minded completeness, and a sprinkling of past reminisces, ends up creating the maximum satisfaction.
Is that true? My spiritual teachings usually focus on being completely centered in the present. And the Tao te Ching instructs that improving the world is a fool's game. It is best to do your work and then step back.
I need to give up these foolish notions. Who am I? I am no great resource, that society must use, or I will expire.
Who is Kim Ung Yong for that matter? Is he not doing an essential function for society now?
Everything does find a place to belong. And with that, I will step back, and find where I belong.
Kim Ung Yong attended university classes at 5, simply because he could, and went to work for NASA very early in his life. As potentially the smartest in the world, he held a unique position in society, as someone who could (literally) rocket humanity into a new stage of existence. Humanity does occasionally need people like that, who have the ability to create things that will solve humanity's pressing problems, like scarcity of resources.
However, does humanity have a right to demand such things from those who possess the ability? This was a central debate in Ender's Game. Ender, the (2nd) smartest in the world in that book, is sent to battle school, and essentially used up. He constantly feels lonely, alienated, miserable, and by the end of his time in school, all he longs for a simple life. He cannot even imagine the luxuries that other people take for granted: simple living, getting to choose what you want to do.
When I read this article about Kim Ung Yong, I was reminded of Ender's (fictional) experience. All Kim wanted was to live, with people his own age. From the time he was born, he had never experienced the luxury of having friends.
What does this have to do with Ray Dalio? Well, in a nutshell, Ray Dalio argues that doing what is in one's personal interest is usually in the best interest of society. But here is a clear counter-example.
It would probably be in society's best interest to use Kim. If Kim has the ability to come up with systems that could colonize Mars within the next few decades, or to mine near planets for resources to support Earth's rapidly exploding population, that would bring huge benefits for society. But what is in Kim's best interest? He clearly values his own personal happiness more than the advancement of society.
Is that a morally wrong choice on his part? I feel the gut answer that most people would give would be "no". Yet, his decision could have vast implications for society, by not utilizing his resources.
So doing what was in his best interest , perhaps, did not result in society's best interest.
But by Dalio's measure, success is defined as "nothing more than getting what you want -- and that is up to you to decide what that is for you." By that measure, Kim did end up quite successful.
What about me? I have concerned myself so far with the question of, "how can I do the most good for society?" However, if I go down that path, it is likely that, at some point, my own interests - namely, happiness - will be at odds with society's. Perhaps I am even working against myself right now. How can I choose?
I have learned to distrust extremes. Extreme dedication to self-satisfaction and extreme selflessness both seem like unfulfilling paths.
Let me examine this from a different angle - timeframes. Happiness seems to deal with present-mindedness, and dedication to society seems to be concerned more with the future. I have always felt that a concentration on the future, with regular doses of present minded completeness, and a sprinkling of past reminisces, ends up creating the maximum satisfaction.
Is that true? My spiritual teachings usually focus on being completely centered in the present. And the Tao te Ching instructs that improving the world is a fool's game. It is best to do your work and then step back.
I need to give up these foolish notions. Who am I? I am no great resource, that society must use, or I will expire.
Who is Kim Ung Yong for that matter? Is he not doing an essential function for society now?
Everything does find a place to belong. And with that, I will step back, and find where I belong.
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